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i went traveling last year for about 8 months.  i wrote obsessively, of course, in a moleskin journal.  i write extremely small, i always have.  i filled the journal in about 6 months.  i’ve used it to write other things since i’ve been back in the states, used it to remember things.  it went missing about 3 weeks ago, and i cleaned my entire house looking for it this weekend.  i cleaned my car and looked for it.  where i’m living now i have no friends that i hang out with so i didn’t have to look at any friends’ houses.  i cannot find it.

the feeling you get when you lose something like that is indescribable.  it does get easier after the first time.  i got a small book filled with contacts, about 20 bucks, and many notes and ideas pickpocketed last year in indonesia. it had dozens of people i met and notes about places to go, ideas for stories, characters, things i jotted down when it was inconvenient to write in my larger journal.  when i realized it was taken it felt like someone took something out of my stomach.  i asked the dope dealers on the street if they had it, told them there was a reward.  i looked through all the trash bins on the street. i asked a street kid to help me for money. but i never found it.  i couldn’t sleep that night. 
  
but this time, with this journal, the same one i wrote in when i wasn’t writing in that little pickpocketed pad, i went crazy for a few hours when i realized it wasn’t turning up.  and then, nothing.  i calmed down.  this journal, it’s not replaceable, and i’ll never be able to recover from my memory the things that i wrote in it.  but i said the same thing about the little pickpocketed book, and that was almost a year ago and i’m still living and breathing.  a writer depends on such things, relies on them.  when you don’t have a computer to type on and save your work a journal becomes sacred, it becomes what you cling to. so what happens when you know clinging to things is what makes you miserable?  i was miserable for weeks after the pickpocket stole my ideas, until i asked myself why i was clinging to it.  it’s gone! nothing can be done about that.  nothing will bring it back.  i’ve lost this journal, the journal filled with my experiences and my writing, but why is it ok? because a journal is not what makes me a writer, and a writer is how i define myself.  more writing will come whether i have the journal or not.

how are you? i hope you are well.

this evening i mixed some peanut butter with honey and spread it on some crackers, then ate them while watching a movie. later when laura came in, me devouring these crackers with pb on them, she tells me peter pan peanut butter with the manufacture number beginning with 2111 are being recalled for causing e.coli or salmonella poisoning, one or the other. and guess what our peter pan peanut butter was numbered? 211165100…

well, we’ve had it for about 3 weeks and it’s almost empty, so i guess we’re okay. and on the up side we can get a free big jar of peanut butter (the 56 oz).

i’m doing well, how are you?

i just watched the da vinci code.  if you haven’t seen it don’t read this paragraph.  you should form unbiased opinions.  so….the movie really sucked.  my theory is that, since the producers knew there would be a huge audience pool they wouldn’t have to actually make a, you know, good film, but rather one that basically followed the book, had some crappy but still obviously post 90s animation sequences, and kept much of the same horrible horrible horrible dialogue that the book featured.  which is okay, because it really is often so bad that it’s funny, but that doesn’t make it right, or even palatable.  and then the albino monk…the book made him out to be strong, physically and mentally and morally, which lent him respect.  the movie portrayed him as a bumbling neanderthal of sorts who was often scared, much like a monkey or an ape on the verge of gaining self-realization.  and then the same crappy ending scene in the book.  that was okay, since it was “staying true” to the book, no matter how awful an idea it was in the first place.  so, since you’ve also seen it, what did you think?  (this isn’t sarcastic…i’d honestly like to know.  my fiancee liked it, and she also read the book.)

on to business…i’m thinking of moving exclusively to blogger.com (you can see the spot, which i’ve had reserved since sept 11, 2005 here–although there’s nothing there yet but the template).  it’s much prettier, i think.  though less of a community i guess.  maybe both places? hell, i don’t even know if anybody but a couple of people even read this anymore.  it seems some of the religion remarks may have pissed a couple off…

i just read the da vinci code, bowing to pressure.  like most pulp authors his writing was often bad, sometimes horrible, dialogue resembling machinery.  but the story was good…except the end.  that sucked, dan. 

to the point: i don’t know if you’ve heard all the crap that has been going on regarding banning the book, boycotting it, etc.  however after reading it it’s blatantly obvious that those who are boycotting and banning haven’t read it.  there’s nothing in it i haven’t read outside of the novel (aside from the FICTIONAL story, of course) and [warning: spoiler ahead] it doesn’t make the catholic church out to be any worse than many other people have made it out to be.  i’m speaking of information regarding mary magdelene, that sort of thing.  these theories aren’t new…they’re just injected into a novel. 

when i told catholic or otherwise christian friends that i was reading this they all said something to the effect of, “it’s not true, you know.”  that startled me, because i found it in the non-fiction section amidst many historical texts, and the book itself is marked as “non-fiction” and….oh wait…it’s a work of FICTION.

i apologize for those last two entries.  i’ve been very angry.  so now, two short…poems? stories?  who cares.  labels get us nowhere.

when it was raining
charged air to my lungs drenched with humid.
charged air to my lungs with dripped air.

when i was falling asleep
she’s got the voice of a lullaby.
head is falling to the ground
and tumble
and body twists
and curls.

perhaps they will go on my site? yes? no? perhaps as a photo caption?

so what are you doing for easter?  the pope will be damning the scourges of society: the pope “will pray for society to be cleansed of the ‘filth’ that
surrounds it and be restored to purity, freed from ‘decadent
narcissism.’” good luck with that…but anyway: “Particular condemnation is reserved for scientific advances in
the field of genetic manipulation. Warning against the move to ‘modify
the very grammar of life as planned and willed by God,’ the Pope will
lead prayers against ‘insane, risky and dangerous’ ventures in
attempting ‘to take God’s place without being God.’”  lastly, again on the subject of evil: “‘Where is Jesus in the agony of our own time, in the division of our
world into belts of prosperity and belts of poverty . . . in one room
they are concerned about obesity, in the other, they are begging for
charity?’”  eh i guess it’s how you look at it.  in another room they’re concerned about finding a way to combat life-cripling diseases through a different medium, genetics, and in another room they are linking those guys across the hall to satan.  maybe the pope is just exorcising his nazi demons?

so, how are you? i am extremely tired.

i don’t know if you’ve heard about the guy who slept in walmart (read the story here).  
that’s what he did for his spring break.  so. all you need to do
to get on the news is to live in walmart for a few days.  and why?

it is especially interesting to take this story into account as i read
despite everything, a compendium of the famous underground zine
cometbus.  aaron cometbus squats in houses, rates local pawnshops
by smell, quality of workers, and stealability.  he
almost-ALMOST-makes it onto saturday night live.  but
doesn’t.  so why isn’t he in the news? for the extremely simple
reason that he’s not doing any of it for a purpose.  if he were
protesting something, or making a statement about something, then
maybe, possibly, news would have picked him up. 

oh wait.  the walmart kid wasn’t saying anything either.  he
was just sleeping on toilets and playing video games for 41 hours
(yes…less than two days).  for $160 dollars.  what did he
spend the money on?  food i suppose, at the mcdonalds.  but
did he get fries for the entire store?  probably not.  so
what the hell did he spend the money on?? maybe he’s just an
idiot.  so to get national fame, even for a few minutes, all you
have to do is blow money in a walmart for less than two days, right?

someone please help me solve this problem.

EDIT

two posts in one day.  i need to space these out to twice a year.  next time. but for now…

i just tried a method of procrastination that truly works.  if you
are having a tough time figuring out how you can procrastinate please
read on.  my specific procrastination is for a paper that i need
to have done by tomorrow night, but i think it could work for any
procrastination.

1. read the prompt you are going to write on (or review the task you
must accomplish) at least a week before the deadline.  (if this is
not possible, use the greatest amount of time possible) ONLY READ IT
ONCE.  i cannot stress this enough.
2. after a week has passed you should only remember the general idea of
the prompt.  if not, get wasted AS SOON AS POSSIBLE using any
available means
3. do not glance at the prompt again until the day before the
deadline.  on this day, merely look at the first few words in the
prompt and the last few, then go to a bookstore, movie shop, or other
area of interest. tip: try to figure out how to steal something while
you’re there.  this will take up some important time!
4. hopefully you spent a lot of time thinking about how to steal
something and/or you got thrown in jail for stealing something. 
good job!!
5. get back to your computer and sit down.  open your word
processor and type your name.  get out everything necessary for
writing the paper (sources, etc.)
6. play an old nintendo game until you beat it.  i recommend super
mario brothers. you can find it online. if you can’t, see if you can
get an original nintendo system.  right now.
7. bake something, like cookies.  watch them in the oven as they bake.
8. eat
9. start a debate with someone you know, online or over the phone. make
sure to argue with opinions that differ from your friend’s. agreeing
isn’t going to waste any time at all.
10. surf the internet for a while. try wikipedia.com–they have tons of
information, and you will feel like you’re actually doing research.
11. write a blog entry about how you procrastinated.
12. the simpsons is on.  watch it.
13. it’s very late. go to bed.

i hope this helps someone become a productive person.

wouldn’t things be much easier if we had never created the concept of the soul?  this magic entity that embodies us, is
us.  it’s something that we cannot prove or disprove, yet so much
importance is placed on its existence.  abortion for
example.  how many problems has abortion created because of the
theory of the soul?  this is the argument against abortion: you
are killing a soul.  then when does that soul come into existence?
when a sperm enters an egg? what if a sperm has survived long enough to
reach the egg, but is hindered from fertilizing it because of a drug, a
procedure, etc.? is that abortion? catholics say it is because they’ve
had theologians discuss the very issue. protestants freak out because
the bible doesn’t talk about abortion, or conception of a soul, and
they have refuted catholic thought, so they stand there with no real
reason for believing what they do, but implement laws to back up their
unfounded beliefs.

i’m sorry for the rant, but it’s so disgusting. i’m not saying i’m
pro-abortion, but i also don’t think making it illegal does anything
whatsoever for anyone.  a legal abortion is safer than a
self-implimented abortion done with a coathanger, and i firmly believe
abortions will always be
performed whether illegal or legal.  i think the answer is in
removing the stigma of sex as well as birth
control/contraception. 

there’s the argument that contraception, “the pill,” causes actual
abortions to occur. “the pill” refers to over 40 different types of
birth control with different components.  so if only one of these
causes an abortion, one can say that the pill causes abortions and
still maintain a bit of truthiness.  so…fine, i’ve read
published documents from universities and medical schools that say that
not every form of birth control causes abortions, but people can read
the conspiracy reporters who say that that’s a lie, that the medical
profession wants to hurt women.  ok.  so what about when they
create a male oral contraceptive? one that keeps sperm from
developping, in essence kills them before they are ejaculated?  it
will be invented someday.

my guess: they will still be against it.  catholics will be
against it because of how they define a soul, and because they believe
that hindering reproduction in any way is an abomination to god. 
but they can’t say that can they? at least not now.  too many
people will see that that’s insane, and that that’s clearly
implementing their religious beliefs in the government.  while
church and state are technically seperate, technically, laws are still
passed based on this religion (look at my state: anal sex and use of
dildoes is illegal), but it might just be time before the little
technicality of the separation of church and state becomes obsolete and
we can pass jesus’s morality as law even if you don’t believe in
him.  until then, i think catholics/christians will just say that
the male contraceptive is also a conspiracy.  eh, what’re you
going to do?

sorry again. for the rant.

why should YOU have to go to jail for a crime someone else noticed?

you know that sense of absurdity of life that you first got when you were younger? high school, maybe junior high age.  maybe younger.  the first one is always the best.  now it’s just a little annoying (sometimes).  i’ve had it all day.  usually it will go away when i drink enough alcohol, but i’m on my tenth margarita and it’s still there.  (this is a joke.)

i really like philosophy.  i really do.  but at the same time it’s pointless, in the same way that everything else is pointless.  i know this sounds tired, old, and cliche.  however, that doesn’t make it any less true.  no amount of philosophy or religion or science or talkshows is ever going to really change anything, at the basic, primordial level. either something is true or it isn’t, no matter what a person thinks about it.

i was discussing this with someone once and he asked me, “then why do anything at all?”  i gave him an answer, but i don’t know what it was.  if someone asked me that now, i would repeat some version of vonnegut’s words: the arts are not a way to make a living.  they are a very human way of making life more bearable.

is he talking about philosophy? is that considered an art? i don’t care if it is.  that’s why i like it.  and if you have never read something by vonnegut you should.  anything.  at least before you die.  “what a bummer it is to be a human being.”  it is! it’s absurd!